Not that many years ago, I would have looked you straight in the face and told you with all sincerity, that I was a confident woman. That I knew who I was and I was completely good with me. But then all of a sudden sitting on that airplane crying, I realized it was a sham. And it wasn’t just that I had put on a perfect front on the outside – it was that I was deceiving myself on the inside. I wish I could tell you that everything changed in that moment and once I realized this truth I began to lead a completely authentic life. But as with most things…it was a process. And I don’t think I even realized that I was trying to fix it; but I was.
By God’s grace, and not something I was conscience of doing, I sought people who were hearing what God was saying clearly. I was drawn to this amazing group that meets every Wednesday evening to pray for one another. These people are passionate about prayer and about hearing what God has to say for themselves and for others. I found that when people pray in a way that is being lead by God, nothing is more powerful on this earth.
One woman was praying for me and she shared that she saw in her mind a picture of me as a little bird in a robin blue egg shell, trying hard to peck out. At that time, I had not shared anything about myself with her or the group, and the picture she saw meant nothing to me, and frankly I thought she was a little weird. But I have never forgot that moment, because over the last few years that image would become extremely meaningful for me in a number of ways. She didn’t know me, and likely doesn’t even remember the interaction. And now I am that weird girl who gets these pictures – and I love them!
I learned that I cannot muster up faith in God. It isn’t humanly possible; as people we were made to question, to seek and to find. That is how God made us. He is a big God and He is not scared of my doubts. In fact, I think He appreciates them. It gives God an opportunity to do what He longs to do; love you and reveal to you that deep, and personal love. The kind that only you can feel for yourself. And so it began; me and my journal, an arsenal of questions, a healthy dose of doubt, and some praying people.
At first asking God questions was terrifying. I was scared whatever I was writing would be my own thoughts and for some reason that bothered me, or worse yet, that I would hear nothing. And sometimes I felt like those things were happening and so I would just write that. And even that ok. But it was the other times, the overwhelming majority, that kept me coming back…
I could fill a book with stories about the teensy tiny little answers, right up to the blow my mind, ‘no way that was anything other than God’ kinda stuff. The more time I intentionally make time to sit and listen for what God is saying to me, the more I need that time. It is food for my soul. It is a perfect circle. I come, God shows up and I come back again. Repeat. This is how, little by little, I began to see how God made me. And why it was good.
Now I have great empathy for that woman sitting on the plane with a couple of tears rolling down her face. The very idea that she could bring joy to others was unsettling and uncomfortable. She had no clue who she was and why she was here and she had been living with herself for 30 years. There is good news though. A few years later and I can tell you a little more about her.
- She had a fear of rejection. But she was made to be secure,confident,and sure.
- She worried about what other people thought. But she was made to be concerned with what God thought.
- She fretted over her children’s safety. But she was made to be full of faith. Because God would prove himself to be faithful ;even in regards to her children.
- She longed for perfection. She expected it from herself and from others. But she was made to extend grace. To herself and to others.
- She was full of guilt and shame. But she was made to be defined by who God said she was and not by her past failures.
- She didn’t see herself as able to bring joy to God…but she does. And now she knows.
Each day is a wonderful journey, which takes me closer to Who I Am and reveals more about What I Am. Thank you for being a part of this journey as I now seek to know more about what it means to be a writer!
By the grace of God I go.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.